obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
