Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
