Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
foreskin is a definite game changer
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
