how can u be prego again
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
