Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
