I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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