M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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