He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
