i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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