We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
