Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
