if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i barfeds in our rink
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
