Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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