i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
