just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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