ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
