Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
