Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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