I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
