I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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