dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I have tasted many bathrooms
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
