new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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