Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
