I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
