Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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