If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I said "one day" and that day is not today
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
