And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize