So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
