I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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