that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
