I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
