If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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