You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
