I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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