Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
