So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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