so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
