Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
