A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
