you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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