Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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