I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
