Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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