So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
