I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
