Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
