I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
