Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize