I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
