i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
