his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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