Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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