My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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