sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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