hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Two words: blizzard sex
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
