someone get that fucking seahorse.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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